America, Land of the Corrupt Legal System

I haven't ranted about anything in a while. Heck, I haven't had anything significant to complain about lately.

Well, that all changed last week. Actually, it all changed last September.

Last September I received my pay stub in the mail (I have automatic deposit). I was at home when Kate got the mail. She yells from the other room, "CARY, WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS?" She brings in the pay stub and right there on the front it reads CHILD SUPPORT GARNISHMENT in the amount of 400 dollars. Kate was giving me the "Do you have something to tell me?" look. I assured her I had nothing to tell and told her it HAD to be a mistake. Yes, I formerly paid child support, but that was years ago. My kids are adults now; they live on their own. I haven't paid child support for years.

So I get on the phone and call the payroll department and leave a message. My employer is no different than the rest of the world. You can no longer talk to a real person if you have a problem. Three days later they call me back. I explain the deal and tell them there must be some mistake. She tells me NO MISTAKE, they have a new garnishment order from Indiana.

W H A T I N T H E N A M E O F G O D?! I ask her to explain (actually I think I screamed it). She said she didn't know anything other than they have a new garnishment order for $2100.96 from Indiana and that they had to collect it.

I run to my desk and start calling Indiana trying to find out how this happened. About 20 calls and transfers later I get someone that explains it all in grave detail to me, and it is as follows:

Last spring , my ex-wife Julie, (I will be polite and call her Julie. When I am home or around friends, I call her something much, much worse) went back to court in Indiana (even though she now lives in Missouri) to emancipate our daughter, Joscelyn. Joscelyn at this time had been 18 years old for 8 months, but Julie was in her fear of me going back to court to get child support from her that she did not pay me while I had our daughter in MY custody. When Julie gave up Joscelyn she lived in Paraguay and I couldn't get child support from her without paying 30K+ to get a measly 50 bucks a month (our system has no cheap method of getting child support from parents that live in another country - HINT to all you CS dodging men out there...). I was out of luck on getting CS. I asked Julie at the time if she would be willing to just give me a little child support without paying the 30K. She said no. The actual statement, and my kids can vouch for this, was, "No, you are no longer paying me 375.00 a month CS so that is just like me giving you 375.00 a month," and no I am not kidding. This is actually how she thinks. Even though I paid my CS every month for 15 years to the tune of around 135 THOUSAND DOLLARS total, she was not going to give me a penny. Nor did she. She never paid one red cent to me OR Joscelyn the entire time Joscelyn was under my roof.
So this is why she emancipated Joscelyn. She was afraid that I was going to try and go back and get CS from her. Of course I wouldn't because no amount of money is worth fighting this battle another second.

Anyway, when she did the emancipation I got notification that this was going to happen. I must stress that the notification just said EMANCIPATION, it said nothing about CS being addressed. Seeing as how emancipation had nothing to do with me, I pretty much ignored it. I want nothing to do with Julie or her insane paranoia. Well, the woman on the phone in Indiana tells me that when Julie was in court. she said (I am paraphrasing), "And oh by the way, Cary is still behind 2100.96 behind of his CS from years ago. Because I wasn't at the hearing (and why would I be?) they just awarded it to her. I told the woman I was speaking to that I had never been behind on my CS and this would be easy for me to prove as I have saved every pay stub I ever paid CS on. I kept EVERYTHING. She said it wouldn't help. Because Julie didn't contest any specific date, that meant I couldn't prove anything. This showed up in their system as an additional CS order not a "Go get back CS order" which is different. She said I would have to hire a lawyer and go back to court and contest it.

Of course hiring a lawyer was not an option. You don't spend 3000 grand on a lawyer to fight over $2100.96 dollars.

Now is a good time to explain some past CS issues. Back when I used to pay CS, at least once a year I would get a letter from Julie stating that I was behind on my CS. I would have to send her a letter back and explain that I don't directly pay her CS. It is garnished from my paycheck and that I never touch the money. BY LAW my employer MUST garnish the CS or by law they are liable to pay it. Trust me when I say, it was always taken out. If for some reason (me taking time off without pay, etc) there wasn't enough money to cover the garnishment, they made it up on the next check.

I would also have to explain to Julie that if she was missing a CS check it MIGHT be because my employer would garnish the money from my check and send it to Washington Child Support Enforcement (CSE), Washington would then send it to Montana CSE (She used to live there), Montana would then send it to Indiana CSE and Indiana would send it to Julie. The process was wrought with possibilities for failure. Julie didn't ever care. If she didn't get a check it MUST be because I didn't pay.

One such time was in February of 2003 I received a letter from Julie and it said, "As you well know, you are $2100.96 behind in your CS...". As this was a large amount of money I called Indiana CSE and told them the story. They pulled up my account and said that their records showed that she has gotten every dime that she should have. I asked them to fax me the log showing this which they did. I sent Julie a letter back and explained that she is wrong and if she has a problem with that she needs to go down to the CSE office and talk with them. Done.

I don't hear one more word about this alleged $2100.96 until September of this year when I get the garnishment despite the fact that Julie has been in court three times since February of 2003.

After talking to Indiana CSE for over an hour trying to get this straightened out (Oh and its important to note that even now they say that they have no record of me being behind and fax me proof of such yet again) I decide to call Julie to find out what is going on. Of course she refuses to answer my calls as its much easier to keep money that isn't hers than it is to get to the bottom of her alleged shortage. I then call her husband Eric. He tells me he doesn't know what is going on and that he will ask her to call me which again she never does. I try to call her numerous times, still she will not answer.

I cannot begin to tell you how frustrated all this made me. I did everything that society and state laws demand of me. I paid all my CS, I maintained a relationship with my kids, despite Julie moving them 5 times to 3 different states and one other country.
Even though I did all that the system allows that a vindictive mother can get back into court and just say that the father is behind in CS and the court orders it paid, no questions asked. Keep in mind she did not have to nor did she provide any proof that she didn't receive the $2100.96.

I talked at length with my wife and we decide that I would try and fight this on my own without a lawyer. I found a woman at the Indiana Supreme Court website that was very helpful in explaining exactly how to appeal this decision myself and to make a long story a little less long, I did just that. I was able to get a new hearing based on the rule that by law they should have had to notify me that they were going to address CS in the emancipation hearing. My hearing was last week. My wife and I put together an entire package that would help me in court. I took with me every shred of proof that I would need to beat this. I took a log from my employer showing every payment made to Indiana. I took the log that Indiana had just sent me of every payment they received from my employer and every payment made to Julie. It all added up. Every last cent. (Actually it didn't, I OVERPAID by 87 dollars the last year)

Last Monday I flew to Chicago, rented a car and drove to Crown Point Indiana (ugliest place on earth, which is fitting). On Tuesday (court day) I went to the court house which also houses Indiana CSE. I went down and asked if I could sit down with someone and go over the log that they sent me so that I could understand what every code and number on it meant. The woman there was more than helpful and pulled up my account. She told me that when it was closed a couple years ago it was not behind and that it would have never been closed had I still owed money. She also added up the four years on the log just as Kate and I had done numerous times. It all came out the same, $9044.88 (which is what my yearly CS was) for every single year (yes except for the last year that it was OVER). Actually let me correct that, two years were off, because CS is taken out of my checks every two weeks no matter what, one year was one payment short and the very next year was one payment over. That is just how it worked out due to the amount of checks I received in a year, but over the four years it was right. Let me just clarify that if Kate and I and the woman from CSE all added it up (about 50 times) and we each came out with $9044.88. It would be one hell of a coincidence that we all came up with the exact amount of my yearly CS requirement, would it not?

1:00 came and it was time for my hearing. I went in and sat down opposite from Julie's lawyer, Jim. He has always been a big fat piece of crap (again being polite) who when the kids were little and living with their mom in Indiana would yell at them and say nasty things to them when Julie was visiting his office. Joscelyn asked me when I left for Chicago if I was going to be seeing Jim the lawyer. I said I was and she replied "give him this for me" and then gave me the bird. I happily said I would (in reality I said much worse to him). That kind of shows you how evil this guy was. Ten years later and my daughter still hates him.

Anyway I digress. The hearing starts. The judge (a woman) explains some rules. She explains that I will get a chance to tell my story (She lied) yada yada and then she tells Jim that he can start. He starts right off bashing me. Makes comments about me not showing up to the last hearing and that we shouldn't even be arguing this issue again. It is finally my turn and as I start to read my statement he objects. He says he objects to arguing all this over and this isn't a forum for me to rant (paraphrasing) (I wasn't ranting I didn't get two words out before he objected). He goes on and on about what a piece of crap I am. Says that I pick and choose what hearings i attend (true enough, why would I attend hearings that have nothing to do with me that are halfway across the US?), even goes so far as to outright lie and say that I owe him money! I have NEVER had a judgment against me for costs EVER. I start to cut in at this outlandish accusation and the judge says "WHOA WHOA WHOA, YOU DO NOT INTERRUPT IN MY COURTROOM!!!" She says that she has a three strikes rule in her courtroom and that was strike one for me. Jim starts up again and goes for another 5 minutes telling lies and bashing me. Seriously, he is just making things up! None of it has anything to do with what we are doing and I have to sit there and listen to it.
I finally get to start talking again. Every time I start to talk he objects and starts in again. The judge allows all this. I finally am able to tell the judge that Julie did not have to provide any proof that she did not receive any CS. Jim objects (big surprise) and says that she indeed did provide proof. He coughs up a HANDWRITTEN log of every check Julie says she got and what she didn't get. I speak up and say that unlike Julies handwritten log, I have the log that I had just gotten from Indiana CSE that proves she got everything she should have. Jim objects to it, she overrules him and takes it. I then explain in detain everything on the log. I also tell her that Indiana CSE JUST TOLD ME that I am not, nor have I been behind and that Julie has gotten every cent she should have gotten. I show her the code for all the checks that were received and cashed. I explain that I have drawn a line at the split of every year so it can easily be added up and I also explain the two years that are one payment over and one under. Jim sensing he is losing ground now objects and states that we aren't even sure that its CS that I am behind on. This is ridiculous based on the fact that he just got through giving the judge Julies log that she said showed shorted CS checks. I also produce a letter at this point from Julie where she states "Due to shorted and missing CS checks...). After much back and forth and about 800 objections from fat ass Jim, the judge says she would like us to be quiet now so that she can figure this out. She sits up there for what must be 5 minutes typing away on a calculator and scratching her head.

Finally she says "OK I think I have this figured out." She then explains that she just picked an arbitrary year (I think it was 2000) and added it up. She then says, "Mr. Cleland, you told me that every year added up to 9044.88, but I just picked one year and added it up and it in fact DOES NOT add up to $9044.88, it comes out to 8 thousand...(can't remember the exact number, although it was not close). At this point I am in a full on panic because I have spent 1000 dollars to get to court in Indiana and I am about to lose because the judge just added wrong. I blurt out "BUT!" and as I do she screams "DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!" at which point I add "BUT YOU ADDED IT WRONG!" she then screams again "DO NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD"! Then the bailiff stands up and tells me to "shut my god damned mouth" and that if I say one more word he will arrest me. So there I sit in silence while the judge says, "Mr. Cleland, I figure if you can't add one year correctly, you can't add any of them correctly and therefore I think you probably do owe the money, judgment is for the plaintiff".

There you have it. This ladies and gentleman is our legal system. This is America's great system of justice.

You can take a guess at why this happened. Either the courts will never let someone win if they are representing themselves, which to some extent makes a lot of sense. If people were successful at representing themselves then why would we need lawyers any longer? Judges are basically lawyers with a better job. They work with and are friends with other lawyers, it would make sense that they are going to make sure people know that representing yourself will never work.

Or maybe I lost because the judge can't add. I actually doubt this. I had proof from Indiana CSE that showed I was never behind and in fact they would have never closed my case had I still been behind. The judge ignored that fact, a rather large fact.

I do intend to file a formal complaint against the judge as I will get a transcript of the hearing complete with her incorrect addition and then I can submit the document from Indiana. I would hope that at some point in the complaint process someone would add the figures and see that she added wrong. That won't undo anything but maybe she will get her hands slapped.

There are a couple key points to remember with all this. First my ex-wife, like a lot of ex wives, is angry. Angry because she is fat and stupid and lives a terrible life. My kids, as soon as they were able, got the hell away from her as fast as possible. Both of them dislike her. Hate is probably a tad strong but dislike is spot on. When both of them heard this whole story at the beginning they each called her and told her they would not be talking to her until she dropped this. They kept that up for a couple months but they have a brother and sister on that side of the family and couldn't not communicate with them forever. I do understand that. Adam has had some good fights with her about this topic. He said he now remembers why he got away from her, she is insanely ignorant. Julie is angry because her kids want little to do with her. They have grown up wanting to be near me. They are very clear on who the hateful dishonest one was all those years.

The next point to remember is that Julie never paid me one penny of CS while I had Joscelyn. I had Joscelyn for 3 years that CS should have been paid to me. Sure I didn't go to court to ask them for it but I did ask her and she said no. Hell, even Joscelyn called and asked her for help, she always said no. Isn't this just classic for bitter divorced mothers? She receives around 135 thousand dollars from me and won't pay me a penny in return. She even went so far as to lie to the kids about working in Paraguay. Adam went there to visit and everyday Julie would dress up to go somewhere. He asked her if she had a job, she would reply no, she just had errands to run. He said it was a joke as she dressed up nice and left for most of the day. He later found an embassy badge or whatever she used to get in the building. Clearly she was just lying to keep him from knowing she had a job AND wasn't paying CS.

You have to be a damned bitter angry piece of crap to not pay CS AND go back and take more that you are not owed. Hell, you would think even a moderately good person would think that even IF they thought they were owed money that they would think to themselves, "Yeah, but I never gave him a dime so I will call it even". Nope. Not bitter angry Julie. Too angry, too miserable.

Oh well, in the game of divorces and CS, I still feel like I did OK. I am happy and I get to spend the 5th Christmas in a row with ALL my kids on Christmas morning. She will be spending it with my $2100.96

Merry Christmas Julie you hateful money sucking bitch:)

Police Or Revenue Creators?

Today the wife and I had to go into town to do some shopping, and as we were driving through the Frontier Village area in Lake Stevens we counted 5 police on motorcycles pulling people over for speeding. They were all sitting side by side on their motorcycles with their radar guns.
In this area the speed limit used to be 60mph but just recently they lowered it to 35mph. Now granted, 60mph did seem like it was too good to be true for this section of road (although it has been 60mph since the beginning of time) but 35mph is just plain stupid and was done clearly to create revenue for the city of Lake Stevens. The area is 5 lanes wide with nothing on either side up to the first light. Ever since the day they changed the speed limit it has been a favorite hang out for police because the speed limit transitions from 55mph to 35mph and they can sit and nab people all day long for not slowing to 35mph fast enough.
Today was the worst I have ever seen it and caused my wife and I to make some observations pertaining to the usefulness of the police these days.
Let me just say that I can't stand the police. I don't think I have ever met one that wasn't an arrogant, egotistical ass. Nice ones might be out there, heck they might even be in your family but you would have to prove me wrong on this one because so far everyone I have ever come in contact with are just plain jerks. Police do not act like the are there to serve and protect the public. They act like everyone they come in contact with is a criminal and treat them accordingly.
Anyway, as I was saying, the wife and I started talking and agreed that Police are no longer what they used to be. Today Police do very little other than produce revenue for the city they work for. Police no longer investigate crime. Police no longer do anything to find your stuff if your it is stolen. Ask them, they will tell you. Years ago Police used to be crime fighters. They would do things to prevent and stop crime. Not anymore.
Last year my sons car was stolen out of the Fred Meyer parking lot. It was two days later when I learned that Fred Meyer has cameras all over the parking lot and my sons car was parked where one would have had a clear view (it was daylight when it occurred) of the thieves. I called Fred Meyer and asked if I could look at the tapes, they said no but they said the police can come in and look at them. I asked if they ever do that, they said no. NO!? I asked if cars were stolen from the Fred Meyer parking lot often and the guy said "yep all the time". Also break ins were common as well. "And the cops don't look the tapes when this happens?" I ask, the guy said "rarely". So I call the police and ask if they have looked at the tapes. I was told that they really don't have time for this. Well clearly not, they are too busy stacked up 5 deep creating revenue for the city. All they would have had to do is go look at the tapes and possibly even get the plate number off of the car involved. My son suspected it to be people he knew and told the police this. All they would have had to do is go look at the tape together and my son could have told them if he knew them but of course the police are too busy to do that.
Story number 2. Every day at around 3:00pm a car drives by our house on the road we live on (speed limit 35mph) going at least 70mph. We live on a road lined with houses. My daughter has to cross the road to get the mail. She has to cross the road when she gets off the bus. So the wife calls the Sno County Police. She tells them that the same car drives by everyday and asked if a cop can come out and nap this speeder. (Let me just interject that I think there are times when people should be ticketed for speeding. Like say in areas where there are kids and people are going double the speed limit. Not for doing 5 or 10 over the speed limit) The wife is told that Sno County doesn't have time to come out and try to nab one guy. Kate tells them that he drives by AT THE SAME TIME everyday. She is told there is nothing they can do.
Story number 3. The wife and I haul our trash to the dump that happens to be one mile from our house. The other day we make a trip to the dump. We take it in cans that have clamp on lids. The woman in the booth that takes the money tells us that we are supposed to have a tarp covering the trash. I tell her "Yes but its all in cans with clamp on lids". She says it doesn't matter. The law was just changed and now any trash being hauled no matter in what form, must be covered with a tarp, AND that Sno County Police is going to start sitting on the road to the dump (the same road I live on) and is going to start issuing 50 dollar tickets for people without tarps. Of course they don't have time to help us when we ask, but if they can nab people all day long at 50 dollars a pop, they are all over that.
Basically Police are not going to do anything that doesn't create revenue. I could sit here and give you example after example of this but you get the point. Something must be done.
I have a couple suggestions that everyone needs to start doing to help this situation. The first is NEVER EVER pay a ticket. ALWAYS hire a lawyer that specializes in fighting traffic tickets. First off, they are almost always successful and they aren't that expensive. Do your homework and find a good one. I use James Mucklestone in the Sno County area. He is $350 dollars. Now you might say that is a lot of money but trust me after you take in account what your insurance will do if you get a ticket, its money well spent. I also have heard of a local guy that you only have to pay if he wins. That sounds like a great deal if you can find him. James has told me that NO ONE should ever pay a ticket. He said that laws are in place to keep the police honest and that procedure must be followed in order for you to be found guilty. VERY VERY few police follow the rules and this is how he beats the ticket for you. I have a friend that fought a ticket and the lawyer subpoenaed the radar gun. The gun was tested by pointing it out the window of the court room and it registered a tree at 80mph. The point is, you are not guilty until a judge says you are. DON'T JUST PAY YOUR TICKET. At the very least, if you don't think you can afford a lawyer (although like I said, in the long run its cheaper) then go and fight it yourself. Do some research on the internet. There is lots of good information on how you can beat a ticket yourself. Take the time to fight it. If tickets start costing the state more than they make, then maybe they will start writing less tickets.
Second thing we can do is this. If you see a cop pulled over trying to nab people with the radar gun, flash your brights in rapid succession at every car coming at you to warn them of the cop ahead. If this practice would become common place, then we could all save each other a lot of time and money. I have had numerous people flash their brights at me lately to warn of cops ahead and I do it myself so I do think its something that is catching on. The more people that know about this, the less of our hard earned money will will have to give to the state and trust me we already give WAY too much.
Police in their current job roll are completely useless to the public. Lets voice our opinions and do something about it. We want and need public servants, NOT revenue creators for the state.

Ladies and Gentleman, Elvis has left the building...

In the year 1973 I was all of 9 years old, living in Las Vegas. And not the new extremely expensive playground for the rich it is today. The old Vegas, rat pack, smoke filled, drink in both hands Vegas. Back when there was the Dunes (which is where my mom and dad met) The Sands, The Landmark, The Riviera, back when Fremont street was great. It was during this year that my Dad got his 15 minutes of fame, or rather his 28 days of fame. In 1973 there was a period of time that my dad was out of work. One day while looking through the job ads in the newspaper he came across an ad to be a body guard for Elvis Presley while he did his 28 day engagement at what was at the time the Hilton hotel. My dad being a long time fan of Elvis decided he would go down and apply. He in fact did apply and got an interview. My dad told them that he had been an MP in the Air Force. They hired him.
Now I should back up for a minute or rather speed up I guess. This Elvis story has been in our family for years. Heck I even remember Dad being a body guard at the time, although vaguely. But last night my daughter Sara asked me "Dad is it true that grandpa Rich used to be a body guard for Elvis?" I told her that it was indeed true but at that moment I realized that even though I knew it to be true I knew nothing about it. I didn't know any of the details. Elvis being what he was, I had to ask myself how come I didn't know anything about what was to surely be a fantastic story. So the other day I called my dad to finally find out what the deal was with this Elvis thing. So on with the story.

Elvis came to Vegas a lot back then. Vegas was Elvis's favorite and was a common stop for him. The Hilton, or "The International" as it was known at the time was one, if not the biggest hotel in Vegas at the time. And this time he was going to be at the Hilton from January 26th to February 23rd. I guess there were three shifts of personal body guards supplied to Elvis by the hotel for around the clock protection and this is what Dad did. Elvis as you might imagine occupied the penthouse suite and Dad said that one of his duties was standing at Elvis's door to make sure anyone that wanted in Elvis's room had a pass. I guess Elvis seldom left his room during the day. At the time Elvis was god and he really couldn't go anywhere without creating pandemonium. Dad said the few times he did leave the hotel he would leave early, like 4am early, and be back in a few hours. I guess he would duck out for a movie from time to time. When he did, he would rent the entire theater so that he could watch a movie without being mobbed by the masses. If and when Elvis did leave his room dad would have to go with him. Elvis always had an entourage everywhere he went but the hotel always supplied a body guard do be with him anytime he was in the hotel. Dad said that sometimes he would sneak down to the kitchen with a body guard in the middle of the night for a snack. I thought that was pretty funny.

I asked Dad if he ever got to actually talk to Elvis one on one. Dad said it was hard to even get close to Elvis without a bunch of other people around but yes there were a few times when he did get to talk to him. I asked what they talked about. Dad said mostly about the area they were from. Both my Dad and Elvis are from the south. If you know anything about people from the south they talk to each other like they are all from one big family. Dad said that one night Elvis invited him to a party that was going to be held in his suite. Dad didn't go because he said he didn't feel like he would have fit in. I asked him if he regrets not going, he said he does a little. I can imagine those parties would be quite the deal. Dad said that there were a couple guys that he really liked from the Elvis group. His favorite was Red West. Red was Elvis's right hand man, if you know anything about Elvis you have heard about Red. Dad said he was pretty funny and joked around quite often. Ronnie Tutt, Elvis's drummer, was another guy my dad got along well with. He said he was a real personable guy.

Dad told me that one of his duties was to accompany Elvis to the actual show engagements and to be backstage while the show was going on. I asked what it was like to be backstage before an Elvis concert. He said it was amazing, the energy and excitement were almost overwhelming. I asked what Elvis was like before a show. He said oddly enough Elvis was always nervous. He said he did two shows a night for a month and before every single show he was very nervous, pacing back and forth, not talking to anyone. He said you would think that a guy that appeared so cool and controlled on stage wouldn't be nervous but I guess he always was.
Dad said the first night Elvis performed, a crazed woman climbed up on the stage and Dad had to run out and grab her and drag her out. I asked what that was like. Dad said having to go out and get a woman in front of thousands of people and in front of Elvis was pretty scary stuff. My Dad is a pretty laid back guy these days. I can't really imagine him wrestling crazed female Elvis fans off the stage.

After talking with Dad for about an hour I told him that he really needs to write all this down. I said there are lots of Elvis fans out there that would probably find all this interesting. I was 9 years old when all this happened. I don't remember much, but I do remember it being a pretty big deal around the house. I remember Dad coming home and telling Mom stories about what had happened that night.
I am glad I finally found out what really happened. Like I said it has been this little known story that has floated around our family for years and I realized I knew almost nothing about. Our little piece of family fame.

Small Town Life and Expansion Plates

If global warming is effecting the entire planet, someone hasn't told Granite Falls. This has been the coldest, snowiest winter in memory. Of course maybe its always like this in Granite Falls and since this is my first full winter here I am just finding out what all the other Granite Fallsians have already known. Either way its cold. So cold in fact that our pipes froze this weekend. Frozen pipes!!! In the NW? Its like I was back in Missoula all over again. Only worse, because when you live in the NW you don't think it will get cold enough for pipes to freeze. So when the temperature dipped to 12 degrees Saturday night it caught me with my proverbial pants down.

I woke up early Sunday to make coffee and read the news when I discovered the no water problem. I figured that the frozen pipes must be under the house so I run out to the shop in my jammies and slippers to get my propane heater. Me, my propane heater and the propane tank have to crawl through the trap door that leads under the house. Nothing like cold cob webs in your face on a frosty Sunday morn. I fire up the propane heater under the house. And to answer the question you are thinking, yes I did consider the danger of fire under the house. I love to poke fate with a sharp stick right in the eye just to see what happens. I heated the under side of the house and yet we still didn't have water. It was supposed to get warmer as the day went on so I figured maybe this problem will cure itself with time.

I took the family out to breakfast in hopes of returning later for a shower. No luck. When we got back at noon the water was still frozen and now the temperature was headed south again. UGH. Sometime Sunday night I had a light come on in my head and I remembered that our water meter out by the road was basically uncovered and on top of the ground. I bet it froze there.

Monday I take off work at 10 and head home to try and heat up the meter. I get the propane torch and head out to the road. The neighbor guy came out and helped. Nothing will draw men from every corner of the planet like a mechanical problem that needs fixing. Boy howdy do we like fixing things. ESPECIALLY when it involves using a propane torch. Bob (the neighbor) and I pass the torch back and forth in an unspoken man creed that says "You will share torch time". As we start heating up the meter the ice melts and water starts shooting out of it like a geyser. We get the water shut off and see that the ice has broken the expansion plate off the bottom of the meter. Bob (the neighbor) had explained that meters have plastic plates that break off before the ice can break the main line. Oh that's good info I think to myself. I will be using that line for weeks to come. "You know Chuck, this wine is good but did you know that water meters have plastic expansion plates that will break off before the main line can break?"

Now we get our water from the city of Granite Falls, so I get on the phone and call them, no answer. The wife reminds me that its MLK day and that no one is working. OH GREAT. So I decide to drive to the city hall which is close to see if there is an emergency number on the door. No, no number. I walk across the street to the police station to see if they have a number. Police station closed also. I guess holidays are a good day to commit a crime in Granite. So I walk over to the fire station. I know a kid that is a fireman there and he was working. I tell him my story and his chief says "Well lets just call Lyle (The Mayor) at home. Lyle only lives about 200 yards from the fire station so Lyle (The Mayor) says "I will be right there". About 5 minutes later the Mayor (Lyle) shows up. I explain my situation and tell him that the wife is getting pretty gamey and could he help me get water back in the house. Then I take the opportunity to try out my new line on him, "Yeah it looks as if the expansion plate has blown. You know they put those there to protect the main line". Then I hitch up my pants. I half expected him to say "Well aren't you a little satchel of plumbing facts", but he didn't. He just smiles and says "Well lets go out and take a look". Of course he knows the place. When you are the Mayor of a small town you know everything that is going on. We get to the house and look at the meter. He gets right on his phone and calls the one water guy that works for the city of Granite and asks him to come over (despite it being his day off) and fix the meter. Lyle and I stand and chat it up for about a half hour. Lyle is a fly fisherman and seems to me an all around nice guy. We discuss the fishing in our pond and what our plans are for that. He is what you would imagine a small town Mayor to be. Darn nice guy that Lyle.
I express my deepest gratitude for helping me and tell him that next summer I expect him to show up with his fly rod to fish the pond in payment for helping me. He seems quite happy with that. Soon after he left, Bill the water guy shows up to fix the meter. As soon as Bill walks up I hitch up the pants again and say "Yeah with all the cold weather we been having it looks like I blew an expansion plate". He seems incredibly impressed at my vast plumbing knowledge.
As I was walking back to the house smiling in the sun thinking about my new meter I thought, I wonder how many people in bigger towns have the Mayor come over to help fix a broken water meter on their day off. I am going to go with none.
Lucky me....

Rantings

I need to get some things off my chest and my wife is all full up on listening to me complain about all manner of frustrations that I might have at any given time. So today whilst listening to the Podcast TWIT (If you don't know what it is then forget I mentioned it) I decided that maybe a Blog is the forum for ranting or getting old and just being irritated at just about everything around me. Or just whatever.

ME: That's me over there at the right, best guess, about 39 years ago.
First off let me give you some background. I am a 42 year old office guy. Well as of yesterday I am an office guy. It hasn't always been that way. I used to be a 42 year old factory floor team leader. Things are much different now, but more on that later.
42 years old, as I type it sounds really old. I remember when I was 9 and my mom was 42. I specifically remember thinking that she was probably mere seconds from death at that age. Now I am there. When I see young kids, I just assume I am like them, then I remember, "Oh yeah, I am most certainly NOT like them", after all I am 42 with 43 coming at me like a speeding freight train.
I have a family. I have dogs. Well my wife has dogs. I am not a fan of dogs. That is a topic that I will have to commit an entire rant to explain.
My family consists of a Wife, three girls 19, 11, 4 and one boy 22. The boy (as I call him) and the 19 year old live together in a shat hole of an apt which again is another topic entirely. So now I am stuck at home with 4 girls/women with nary another man in sight. The girls scheme and plot against me as only 4 women can do. They devise plans to make me even more crazy than age by itself can. The little one is the most nuts. She will say things just to make me squint and wrinkle my forehead. She thinks I don't know her game but I am on to her. I ask her how preschool was on any given day and she will reply with something like "Blue!" Then she will giggle and run off and I am stuck standing there trying to figure out whether or not my hearing is going or if in fact she just said "Blue" in response to a "How was preschool today?" question.

The 11 year old is just coming up on the age where no matter what an adult tells her, the reaction will be of supreme annoyance at the stupidity of what was just said. I am sure she will need glasses soon to correct whatever damage rolling your eyes 853,000 times a day will cause. Come to think of it, the wife does that a lot too, although she is better at doing it where I can't see her. The tell tale signs are all the girls laughing for what appears to be no reason.

DOGS:
OK now for the dogs. We have three. Three! Not just one or God forbid two, but three. Dogs are a complete pain in the ass. If there was some market for dog hair I would be in the money let me tell you. Two Golden Retrievers can shed some hair. We don't even allow them into the main part of the house (barricaded by baby gate into the mud room) yet at any one time there will be dog hair just floating around. Dog hair makes me cringe. Some people don't like snakes or spiders or boogers, me I hate dog hair. Actually hate is a little weak, I think I can say with complete confidence that I loathe dog hair. Hey everyone has their quirks. That is one of mine. You would think that having a quirk like that would preclude me from owning dogs but that is where having 4 dog loving women in the house gets you in trouble. They all love dogs. They kiss them on the nose and nuzzle them and all other manner of grossness. I don't get it. Actually I take that back, I DO get it. Here is my two cents. I think that EVERYONE that is nutso crazo about pets is lacking a chunk of their brain that tells them that being affectionate to dogs is weird. Most people like to be affectionate with people, but there are some that like to use that part of their brain to be all kissy kissy with animals. Its almost as if they get their relationship fix from pets and not people. I have told this to my wife and she does agree to some extent. Pets never let you down, they never betray you she says. I disagree actually. I think pets betray people all the time. Dogs are notorious for it. Take this friend of ours. She has a dog that chewed the holy hell out of her dining room set. Heck it just about ate the bottom off of a couple chairs. Isn't that a betrayal? You can bet your sweet arse if my wife came home and I was under the table chewing on her 3000K dollar dining set I would be in hot water that would take years to get out of. If the dog did it, oh sure she would be mad but in just a matter of hours of the dog making the sad face she would be all over him telling him it was ok and giving him the kissy face again. Don't dogs poop on the rug? To me that is one hell of a let down. To a dog lover, not so much.
My brother has a dog that has eaten half of everything in their home. I don't get it, I just don't get the attraction. I always tell our dogs when the wife is not around that they better kneel down on their backward bending doggy knees and pray to god that my wife doesn't die before I do. There most certainly WON'T be any dog kissing done by me AND I will have all their hair lazered off. Bald Golden Retrievers, I may just have something there.

WORK:
OK now for work. Like I said earlier I just got a new job. I have for 19 years and 8 months been a factory guy. Half that time I worked as a mechanic building stuff and half that time I have been in Quality Assurance (or quality control as most people know it). In manufacturing QA is the cush job with the biggest money. They are like the police of manufacturing. A couple years ago I applied for a Team Leader position in QA and got the job. I was happy with it for the first year. After that first year, I was asked to work on a special project that was going to take a year or better. I agreed to do that although it kind of ruined me. Being able to work on your own and determine your own work load, projects etc is a very addicting way to work. For a year, I alone got to decide what projects as it related to the main project that I would work on. I alone decided how much to work and a lot of the time where I would work. That is why I said it ruined me, going back to having to report to someone constantly and dealing with the day to day monotony of putting up with peoples crap seemed unbearable.

Once back to the old TL job I immediately got to work trying to find another job. Luckily the special project gave me a lot of visibility. I had little problem landing a new position. Everyone was telling me my days in manufacturing needed to be over. I needed to cross over to the salaried ranks and start using my mind to earn my keep.

What do I do? Good question, I wish I knew. Before we left for the holidays I talked with my new boss a bit, he informed me that he wouldn't be back to work until tomorrow at the earliest, which meant that I was on my own for a couple days. If I had to put my thumb on it, I would say I am a special projects guy. I am good at getting things done. I guess that is what I have always been good at. Give me a task and I can get it done. If I had to say who I am most like, it would be McGuyver. Remember that show? That guy could get anything done with some chewing gum and a paper clip. I am the McGuyver of stuff. Need some weird thing done. I can figure out how to do it. I suppose that is what my boss will do. He has some bit of data that needs extracting, some team that needs facilitating I am there for him.

One of the biggest changes is that now instead of being on the factory floor I am now up here on the 5th floor where it is quiet and clean. There is the hushed murmurings of people chatting about headcount and deadlines and calculations to determine stress on a part and things that people that sit in clean 5th floor cubicles talk about. Oddly enough I sit one cubicle wall away from my former bosses boss (in a temporary location due to his office being remodeled). Today he is talking with someone and he says my name. He says it with a bit of tone increase for my benefit I am guessing. He is asking when my replacement (for my old TL position) will come. I say out loud "Better get two people". I thought it was pretty funny but I didn't get a chuckle back. I get the feeling there is no fun to be had up here. I am a dog poop on your chair kind of guy. It might be hard for me to go without some hijinks for long periods of time. That is one of my pet peeves, people are WAY to serious. If everyone would lighten the hell up this world would be so much more fun. Just a while ago I got on the elevator with an older guy with his arm in a sling cast type contraption. It was quite the setup. I asked nonchalantly, "Tiger?" while pointing at his arm. He gave me the wrinkled forehead look that I give my daughter when she says weird stuff. Then he replied "Rotator cuff". "Oh" I say. That was that.